hope this hurts :)

Facebook. How you slay my life.

I'm thinking about deleting it.

Anyways :) So life has been pretty sucky. I'm rather proud of how I've kept it together. Someone has to be the man around here. Luckily I've got the bestest support in ze entiah vorld. But as a brilliant someone said to me a while ago, the pain goes away or changes. And then you can move on. I didn't follow the other advice, where you get another guy to forget the old one. But it'll happen someday. And even though I'm still crazy green-eyed over every word and smile and laugh, I just punch a puppy and it's all better. Just kidding. Only pillows. I would never punch a puppy.

Last night my pillows received a beating, as well as this morning. The poor darlings. Maybe if Facebook wasn't around to make everything so darn public. Possibly I need anger management. Also non-stick drama spray. Dramadramadramadrama. My way of releasing some anger/sadness is replying, but then erasing it before I hit send or post. And then no one knows how I really feel :) mostly. Sometimes I do hit send. But that feeds drama, and I dislike drama. However, this post is pretty drama-saturated. But I don't care for now. Possibly I'll delete it laters.

I love these kinds of blog posts. Where no one really knows what the crap I'm talking about except a few people. I hope it sucks as much for them as it does for me. Because I'm in the childish mood of sharing my anger a little bit, AKA as much as possible.

One of my pathetic wishes

Anyone else wish they were movie-star gorgeous? Like, the perfect body-shape, sexy and hawt? I know I do. But nope :) I'm stuck in the prison my reflection gives back to me. It could be worse, I'm grateful that my mind works well and I don't have a limb missing. I guess it's being average, mediocre, that gets me. I have brown hair, not a dark-chocolate brunette or long honey-brown waves. But just brown. Medium, curly brown hair with bangs that are too long to be bangs but too short to be called anything else. My nose isn't a tiny Grecian model or a big, beautiful, interesting nose. It's just a nose with weird dips at the front that make it pointy and my nostrils flare when I laugh. My eyes aren't frikkin awesome green beautiful orbs or super-blue oceans or deep, soulful brown windows. They're grey. Sometimes they're green in the right type of light or blue when my clothes reflect it. But they're grey. Not interesting speckles or rings or deep colors. Just grey. Mouth is thin and a weird muscly shape from playing the clarinet. No dimples. No cheekbones. Round jaw with little dips where my round chin begins, like on my nose. Regular neck, not long and willowy and pretty. Body is a major meh. No butt to speak of. Hands aren't long and graceful and thin. Feet are average as they come, size 7-9 depending on the shoe. Callouses and scars everywhere on me from working outside and falling down and hot glue guns. A couple raised scars from chicken pox. Farmers tan and obvious shorts tan. I don't even have a radiant personality that makes everyone happy. I'm a cynical realist :)

Sorry this post was so blah. You probably didn't even read it. If so, sorry. It was pretty childish. But it's just one of those days!

blerrrg

I feel really really sick right now.

That nasty hot sick that you get for no good reason like germs, but it kinda melts your eyeballs and shrinks your stomach to the size of a baby grape and then balloons it out into a fireball almost instantaneously afterwards. I call it Information Sickness. And I hate it.

Missed a Spot

I missed a spot while shaving my leg. One of the most annoying feelings ever.
I am now going to write a list of other annoying things.

When automatic doors don't open until you're right next to them so you have to slow down and you feel like an idiot.
When you're opening one of those double Popsicles and you try to break them but it all ends up on one stick and then you're holding a double Popsicle on one stick and a naked stick.
Finding an unshaved spot on your other leg in the EXACT same place.
Sitting in church - or anywhere - and then suddenly getting REALLY ANGRY for no reason, just being bored, and forcing yourself to continue to act normal, like you don't want to get up and start hitting people with bullets.
Starting to fall asleep and then getting itchy for no reason. So itchy that you can't even think, all you see is red and frustration.
Texting and stepping off a curb - only there's no curb. So you just pick up your foot and put it down harder than normal and you feel like an idiot.
Doing the same thing with going up or down stairs.
Reading a book and marking the page while you go off to get some OJ or whatever and then coming back and the page is mysteriously no longer marked and no one confesses to touching it.
Someone ridiculing you for something and then it turns out you were right but that person isn't around to rub it in their face and you just know that at that moment they're being all smug and thinking you're retarded.
Texting someone who texts back with "K" or "lol" and then gets mad when you don't text back.
Texting someone who sends you their text again if you don't reply fast enough.
Having a sticky keyboard.
Or a sticky doorknob.
Getting the knees of your jeans wet and then walking around all day. On the flip side, taking off said jeans and changing into dry ones is one of my favorite feelings in the world.
Taking a shower and dropping the shampoo on your foot.
Sitting somewhere for a while - computer, piano, bed, that kind of thing - and realizing there's a bug right next to you that's been there for who knows how long.
Waking up and stepping out of bed, and then painfully realizing that you have shinsplints.
Walking around and getting stabbed by a lego or a goathead lying on the floor and then being crippled worse than if you had a broken leg.
Having a weird eye thing that won't stop watering no matter how much you wipe it away.
Realizing that there's a hole in your pants. Of course, not until it's bedtime and you're standing there in your bright pink underwear from Victoria's Secret, holding up the jeans and thinking "Dang... All day..."
Saying something funny but really quiet and then the person next to you repeats it and gets all the laughs.
Having super great hair that just happened but then you have no where to go all day.
Listening to someone blow their nose in class during a test and just knowing how awkward it must be for them but not being able to do anything.
Someone giving you a wedgie. When you're not a little kid. And in a bathing suit and boxers. Yeah, I'm talking to you, bro.
Having a scab and REALLY wanting to rip it off but... then it's gross. And you can't anymore because you're old and supposed to be mature and not rip scabs off.
Going home from the beach and trying to wash off your feet before getting in the car but never being able to get your feet washed and dried before the sand accumulates again.

This is all I can think of right now. There are more, however. Maybe I'll post more later.

Walks in the Dark

While returning from a difficult walk around 11 pm, I was listening to music very loud and walking fast and not paying attention to where I was going - because I've walked that road a million times - but then I suddenly stopped. And tried to stop the sudden bile from rising in my throat... Because there was something running a foot in front of me. My first instinct, after throwing up apparently, was to back up. And it kept running, until it disappeared into the bushes. It was black (because it was dark) and oval in shape, and running on short skinny legs. It looked like an owl. But then I thought "Hey, owls don't run!" so then I freaked a little because it could have been a skunk with its tail raised. But then it ran out of the bushes, curved around, and ran back in. I didn't see a skunk body. It still looked like an owl. But owls don't run, do they? Not even ground owls. Right?

Albertsons

Tonight I went to pick up two things at Albertsons: orange juice, and mascara. I didn't expect to come home with a bagful of old memories.

I was chilling in the orange juice section - my most familiar section - and then I got nostalgic when I looked at the sunnyD and remembered trying it over and over because all my friends (I say all, I had like two good friends and a lot of cousins) loved it and I hated it. Every time. I still do. And then I counted all the orange drinks and there are about 29 different ones in Albertsons, not including sunnyD. And I've tried almost all of them. I have a favorite that I get every time: Florida's Natural With Pulp. That's it.

And then I remembered those little coupon dispensers. Do you remember those? They were red and you pulled little slippery slips of coupons out of them, and then it would whir and another one would pop out, ready for you to pull. It was like magic. I pulled them out all the time. I would run in front of my mom - which she hated, because she'd always run over me - and pull them all out and then put them back in the top so they could be reused. Because my mom never used them. I didn't understand that. I thought it was money, pretty much. I was really sad when they switched to the current Albertsons and they didn't have any of those red dispensers. I remember a lot of stuff about that Albertsons. I remember my mom saying she would love me even if I looked like a troll and had green hair. I remember the pinatas would hang from the ceiling and the day my mom told me they weren't filled with candy at that point. That was a hard day. And I remember when Ayla was born when I was four and I showed her off to the check-out lady. We went to that lady almost every time and I always wanted to show her something, like my new CTR ring, or a bead bracelet I got from the dollar store. I miss that old dollar store. It was by Hometown Pizza and Mikes. I liked Mikes too. They had a cool crafts section.

Then I wandered around some more, and I found some 10 for $10 spaghettios. I never had those. Ever. I remember being three, and sitting on our old nineties blue carpet, watching our old tv when a commercial for spaghettios came on and wanting them really bad because Madelyn had some in her food storage. I thought they would be squishy though so I never asked. I remember that the Rugrats came on right after that and not being allowed to watch it because it was a "crap show" so I went outside and played on our rocket tree instead. I miss that rocket tree, and the climbing tree. I buried two broken barbie babies right by it. And digging them up again to play with them, and then burying them again. I wonder if they're still there. The same day as the spaghettios commercial my mom taught me how to write my name, so I wrote it everywhere. On my dresser, on the bathroom wall behind the towels, on the spring-cover for the screen door. I did it behind the towels because I hated the towels and I wanted a bathrobe. I never got one of those either. Or slippers or those eye-covers.

Anyways. Back to Alberstons.

I then wandered to the liquor aisle. I had never really been down that one before. I stopped and looked at all of them. Wine has some very beautiful names. I wonder who invented them and how they stayed in business and who buys them. Maybe they have different tastes even if they're just a tiny bit different. Like my orange juice vs. the same kind but with calcium added. I wonder if I would like the taste of wine. I randomly remembered then that Necia always wanted to name her kids Bergita and Berguta. Maybe one of the wines had a similar name.

Then I went in search of the coffee. But they didn't have pretty names like the wine.

And when I was done looking... I didn't want to go home. Home is way different now. Necia goes to college and has surgery and a potential fiancee. Ayla sings Jonas Brothers and stuff and doesn't know anything about growing up with 90s music. The little kids never play outside on rocketship trees, because we have five computers they can play on instead. Our house is way bigger and doesn't host blue carpet. But. I still don't have a bathrobe. And I still haven't ever tasted spaghettios.

Obsessed

I had a nightmare about my camera not working... I think I'm obsessed.

scents

I hate it when I randomly smell this scent when I'm doing nothing at all, like drinking orange juice or shampooing my hair or pulling the covers over me and my bear at night. It's so impossible for the scent to be there that it makes me mad.

I feel dumb.

What is this high everyone's talking about?

I barely felt a thing. And that makes me feel awful and totally selfish towards the people who tried so hard on making this camp the best. My mind was a little lack-luster.

The only time I cried was when EVERYONE else was sobbing and I couldn't feel a thing. It was like my heart broke. I felt homesick the entire time - something I haven't felt since I was nine and in Alabama with my grandma - and I just wanted to sleep the entire time, curled up with my teddy bear. And when we got those dog-tag necklaces it hurt.

And then I get home, and it feels empty a bit.

But that emptiness is probably just me.

memories suck at times. mostly.

I was looking through old photos ( I say old, not really) and I got to this one and I saw a comment and I died a little inside. Stupid memories.

broken for just a second.

this is me being weak for a little bit.

I really... really miss him.

I miss texting him all the time.

I miss calling him retarded names that just jumped to my mind. Like dingbat.

I miss his indignation at being called those names.

I miss being able to call him my boyfriend.

I miss having that special claim over him.

I miss holding his hand.

I miss his hands, period. They're amazing. They fit mine and I love how they look.

I miss them tickling me.

I miss his arms wrapping around me all the time, like when I'd be looking in the fridge and he'd just come up behind me and hold me, just to be near me.

I miss him wanting to be near me.

I miss when he'd randomly give me flowers that lasted forever.

I miss calling him and leaving him voicemails that never said anything but I just giggled the whole time because I was imagining him listening to them after work.

I miss seeing him at work and laughing and hiding from him and then giving him the fastest hugs so his boss wouldn't see.

I miss giving him neck massages when he was dying from work.

I miss missing him when he was at work but knowing that he'd text or call right afterwards to say that he missed me too.

I miss him texting me first thing in the morning and saying good morning even if it was one in the afternoon.

I miss waiting for those texts for hours and wanting to text him just to talk but not wanting to wake him up.

I miss telling him to go to bed and then talking for five hundred more years.

I miss him falling asleep in my lap because he was so tired but wanted to hang out with me anyways.

I miss talking to him in his sleep and laughing because I said funny things but he was asleep and not listening.

I miss him waking up and yawning and saying sorry but really I didn't mind.

I miss him saying that I was the best thing to wake up to.

I miss him calling me beautiful even when I'm not.

I miss him calling me cute even when I'm not.

I miss being able to tell him that he's so attractive and all the things I love about him and then arguing with him over them.

I miss getting into quarrels over who loved who more.

I miss how we never fought until we broke up.

I miss looking at his eyes and seeing them be green and blue at the same time.

I miss playing with his super soft hair while he would hold me.

I miss looking up and seeing him smiling his special "Oh that Kira" smile at me.

I miss his jaw. I miss playing with it and rebuking him for not shaving or praising him when it was smooth but loving it no matter what state it was in.

I miss him taking my hand and rubbing it against his jaw to show me that he shaved and how happy it made him that it made me happy.

I miss him trying to lick my nose or touch my ears and then freaking out until he won. Because he did almost every time.

I miss hugging him and always kissing his neck really fast.

I miss his bottom lip and tugging on it when he was pouting.

I miss him being happy.

I miss being able to make him happy.

I miss making him mad or sad and then being able to give him a single look that would instantly make everything okay and then he'd take me in his arms and kiss me and we'd laugh and I'd pinch him.

I miss pinching him.

I miss that little jump he'd make with a tiny squeal in the back of his throat when I pinched him. It made me laugh.

I miss him making me laugh.

I miss being sarcastic with him.

I miss telling him what to do and then say just kidding but he'd do it anyways because he loved me.

I miss him loving me.

Most of all though, I miss loving him.